


How To Love

by TabisMouse



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Getting Back Together, Getting Together, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-08
Updated: 2015-02-08
Packaged: 2018-03-11 01:18:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3310457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TabisMouse/pseuds/TabisMouse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Falling apart, falling in love, and coming back together. Their story told in glimpses and fragments over the years.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the beast that devoured me for 6 months. It would have been impossible to complete without my fellow Naughty Noonas. Thanks then, to Veritinme, Xiaorongda, and aeryn_unnie
> 
> Originally posted to AFF in a slightly different format. Trying something different here.

**How to Get Over You**

  
remember how it used to be

when the sun would fill up the sky

remember how we used to feel

those days would never end

those days would never end

 

remember how it used to be

when the stars would fill the sky

remember how we used to dream

those nights would never end

those nights would never end

 

it was the sweetness of your skin

it was the hope of all we might have been

that fills me with the hope to wish

impossible things

 

but now the sun shines cold

and all the sky is grey

the stars are dimmed by clouds and tears

and all i wish

is gone away

all i wish

is gone away

 

all i wish

is gone away

 

\- “To wish impossible things”

The Cure

 

* * *

 

 

**R.O.D.**

 

Seunghyun closed the door. There was no one else home. There wouldn’t be - he lived alone.

But he closed the door.

He pulled the case off its place on the shelf and powered on his CD player. He could play the album, the song, on the MP3 player in his pocket. He’d downloaded it the first day it was out and a dock sat right next to the stereo system, headphones lay right next to them. But he ejected the system’s CD tray. He inserted the disk and closed the tray.

He picked up the remote and crossed the room to his black leather couch. He sank down and tipped his head back, eyes closed. His fingers found the play button blindly.

Music started.

Memories flashed.

***

_“Do you ever stop writing?” He leaned over Jiyong’s shoulder to nip at his ear._

_“Inspiration comes when it comes,” Jiyong singsonged, still scribbling in his notebook. Seunghyun laughed suggestively and slapped his bare bottom._

_“Like a horny dragon I know,” he teased. Jiyong rolled onto his back, preening. He looked up, eyes lingering over the lines of Seunghyun’s body. The smile on his face turned pensive, the sparkle in his eye deepening._

_“You’re really here like this, with me, right now, aren’t you?” he asked, awe coloring his voice._

_“I really am,” Seunghyun whispered, dragging his fingers down Jiyong’s torso._

_“You and me,” Jiyong said._

_“You and me against the world, baby,” Seunghyun chanted their mantra. Jiyong rolled under Seunghyun back onto his stomach, reaching for his notebook to scribble._

_Seunghyun hooked his chin over a shoulder. “Bonny and Clyde? Really, Ji?”_

_“Yeah, you be Bonnie,” Ji smirked, and wiggled his ass under Seunghyun. Seunghyun growled and flipped him back over. The notebook slipped off the bed._

***

His fingers scrambled for the remote and frantically he stopped the playback. His heart was racing and breath was ragged. He leaned forward to cup his face in his hands. Tears fell through his fingers. His body racked as sobs shuddered through his lungs. His face contorted but no screams escaped his lips.

Slowly - minutes - an hour later he looked up, eyes dry, face a frozen mask. He stood and removed the disk from the player and returned it to its home on his shelf.

Next week, he promised himself silently. Next week he’d make it through that damned song.

 

* * *

 

**Interlude**

Jiyong’s skin was warm under his lips. He loved the way it flushed pink, loved the lightest tinge of purple that blossomed from his teeth as they traced up slender ribs. He loved the moan that breathed out through full lips when he latched onto a nipple.

“Hyung, hyung,” Jiyong chanted, fingers threading through his hair, pulling in desperation.

Seunghyun flicked his tongue over flesh, sucking hardened nipple between his lips, sucking hard enough to bruise. He stroked a hand down Jiyong’s body. Jiyong arched into his touch, rocking hips up into him. Seunghyun shifted to the other nipple and his fingers traced the soft sparse hair below Jiyong’s belly button. You had to know it was there, and Seunghyun knew. His fingers continued stroking downward, his tongue continued lapping.

Jiyong was soft. Unsurprising, he’d come only minutes ago. But Seunghyun couldn’t help himself. He couldn’t stop touching, tasting, tantalizing. He could not be sated. He always wanted more. Sometimes that scared him. Thinking summoned the fear so he shoved it down and took Jiyong in his hand.

He moved his mouth to an ear. A weak spot. He slipped his tongue along the perfect curve of Jiyong’s ear and, sure enough, Jiyong thrust up into his hand, cock twitching, slowly hardening as Seunghyun stroked.

“Jiyong-ah,” he moaned into Jiyong’s ear, making sure to keep his voice low, breathy. He knew all Jiyong’s buttons.

“Hyung,” Jiyong gasped. He buried both hands in Seunghyun’s hair and tilted his head so their eyes could meet. Seunghyun stared down at Jiyong. He loved how he looked just now, skin flushed pink, lips glistening and raw, eyes dark and wild.

Seunghyun’s heart caught in his throat and he lowered his head to kiss Jiyong. He was rough, needy. His lips crushed Jiyong’s. He thrust his tongue between parted lips and drank in Jiyong’s moans. He let his own moans rumble up from his chest.

Jiyong’s hands slipped down to his shoulders, dragged across his chest to claim his nipples. Jiyong gave light tugs and squeezes and Seunghyun felt his own cock coming back to life. He rocked into bony hips, enjoying the feel of Jiyong’s skin under him.

Jiyong flattened out his hands and pushed against him. Seunghyun let himself be rolled back without breaking the kiss. Jiyong settled atop him, cock pressed up beside his own between them. He loved the feel of Jiyong’s cock, loved the feel of its hardness pressed against him, loved the evidence of Jiyong’s desire. He thrust up and they moaned in unison.

Jiyong pulled back, holding himself up with a hand on either side of Seunghyun. He looked up at Jiyong’s eyes, half lidded and glazed as Jiyong’s hips rocked them together. He was fully hard now, he could feel traces of precum and sweat between them as they moved.

Jiyong’s eyes focused on him and he bit his lower lip. Seunghyun loved the way Jiyong looked when he did that with his teeth. Jiyong shifted his legs, pushing Seunghyun’s legs farther apart and up slightly. Jiyong supported himself one handed as he placed another on the inside of Seunghyun’s thigh, slowly tracing upwards. Seunghyun grunted uncomfortably and rolled them again.

He pressed Jiyong back into the bed and pinned both hands above his head. He held them there one handed and grinned. With his other hand, he reached for the bedside table. Grabbing a condom, he opened it in his teeth. He kissed Jiyong again as he rolled the condom on. He shifted, positioning himself to slip into Jiyong.

And he startled.

His eyes blinked rapidly.

It was dark.

His heart was racing.

He’d been dreaming.

Again.

Seunghyun cried out in frustration, hands scrubbing at his eyes. He could feel himself, rock hard and straining at his pants. He should get up. He should go take a cold shower. He slipped a hand into his pants. He hated himself.

 

* * *

 

**Black**

_“I can’t do this anymore.” He spoke the words that had been hovering in the air between them._

_“Can’t do what, hyung?” Jiyong asked, standing toe to toe with Seunghyun, glaring into his eyes._

_The set of Seunghyun’s jaw hardened. He spoke through clenched lips. “Don’t, Ji.”_

_“Don’t what, hyung?” Jiyong challenged. “Don’t WHAT?”_

_“Jiyong, please.” Seunghyun begged, “Don’t make this ugly.”_

_“Why the hell do you get a say, hyung?” Jiyong’s voice dripped acid. “Why do you get a say in how this turns out? Finish what you’re saying. Go ahead. Finish.”_

_Seunghyun stared into Jiyong’s eyes and slowly his shoulders started to slump. He looked away, unable to bear Jiyong’s rage-darkened eyes._

_“I’ll finish it for you.” Jiyong spat, Seunghyun’s weakness stoking the fire that blazed through him. “You can’t do this anymore. You can’t do ‘us’ anymore. So you want to end it like the fucking coward you are. Again. But I'm done, hyung. Done. There's no coming back again.”_

_Jiyong punctuated each sentence with a shove against the taller man’s chest._

_Seunghyun refused to meet his eyes. "Fine," he whispered._

_“Fine!” Jiyong shouted back, giving one last shove as he pushed away from the man whose touch he craved._

_“Fine,” he repeated as he took a step back._

_“Fine,” he whispered as he turned and left the villa._

“Fine,” he mumbled to himself as water pounded into his back, as the memory washed over him again, as he tried to escape the pain clawing at his insides.

He shut off the water, unsuccessful yet again.

As he toweled off he stood in front of the mirror. He hazarded a look into his own eyes, terrified. He stood, transfixed. In them, he saw the ashes of his blackened heart. He could not bear to look, he tore his eyes away from his own reflected at him, tore his eyes from those once blinded by love.

He looked instead at his mouth, lips taut and tense. Lips that once flushed red from kisses. Lips that once spoke truths that are now lies.

“Stop it, Jiyong,” he told himself.

“Stop it!” He repeated, louder, harder. He clenched his fists.

He remembered the color of Seunghyun’s skin under his hands.

“STOP IT!” he roared, fist racing towards his contorted face in the mirror.

The glass shattered, shards flying and cutting into his flesh. He looked in shock at his hand in the center of the mirror. Streams of blood coursed down his arm. He stumbled back, eyes dazzling at his form, reflected, fractured in dozens of tiny fragments.

“This has to end,” he begged. “I have to let him go. The pain has to stop. It needs to go away, fade away. Please.”

 He slumped onto the floor, tears and blood mingling as he curled around the ache that is his heart.

 “Please, just fade away,” he mumbled as sleep took him.

 

* * *

 

**Crooked**

The whole sky shifted between concave and convex in time to his breathing, oddly enough. Seunghyun giggled. The stars were spinning, rotating and swirling above him, twinkling, laughing, but not with him. There were so few.

“It’s the city.” His speech slurred but he didn’t fight it.

He turned his head to try getting up and the world heaved, taking his stomach along for the ride. He rolled back onto his back. Less pain this way. He slowly became aware of the dampness of the earth seeping through his jacket, through his skin.

“Cold,” he complained. He tried to sit up, but it was so much easier to lay. In the grass. And watch the stars spin.

He hummed atonally to himself. “So nice to only think of one thing,” he thought. “Only enough room for spinning stars.”

Spin.

Spin.

Laughter spilled out onto the street by the park where he lay, chased by the steady beat of music.

“Hyuuuuuuuuung!” Daesung’s voice rang out. “Here you are!” Daesung’s face popped up in front of his eyes, blocking the stars for a brief moment before disappearing again.

Seunghyun’s sight blurred and his ears focused on the music.

“Amudo eobseo

da uimi eobseo.”

His stomach heaved again, but it wasn’t the alcohol. There was only room enough for one string of thoughts and now his voice was here, surrounding him, penetrating him, filling every broken fragment. He tried to sit, tried to get up, tried to run.

He rolled in the grass right into Daesung. “Neo hana mitgo manyang haengbok….,” Daesung was singing softly.

He curled into the warm body. “I hate comebacks,” Seunghyun’s voice was hollow. Daesung wrapped an arm around him, squeezing him tightly.

“Hyung,” Daesung whispered, “don’t be sad. Don’t cry.” They listened together as Jiyong’s song finished, Daesung’s fingers stroking Seunghyun’s shoulder softly. As the final notes blended into a random dance beat Daesung’s fingers traced up Seunghyun’s face and brushed away tears.

“You know, hyung. We supported you, both of you. We would have stayed next to you. Me. Youngbae, little Seunghyun. Despite what the world said, we would have stayed by you. Until the end.”

“I know, Daedae,” Seunghyun forced words out between quiet sobs. His consciousness was slowly slipping. “I know.”

He closed his eyes, cursing Jiyong’s voice, cursing the peace it brought to his heart.

 

* * *

 

**Window**

The adrenaline surged through Jiyong's veins. Familiar. A comfort now, really. The music began, electric and erie, followed by the drums.

He’d surprised himself when he mentioned this song for this performance - the suggestion escaping before he could stop it. He’d barely made it through the recording and now he would have to do it live.

He’d thrown up before coming on stage, the bitterness on his tongue overwhelming his senses.

He shouldn't do this.

He couldn't do this.

He glanced at the audience before him, the scattered light of golden crowns interspersed through the crowd and swaying to the beat. He began, words spilling forth unbidden, as if from a dream.

He’s singing was a bit too low, the perfectionist in him noticed, emotion straining his voice. A small voice nagged at him but he quashed it hoping to just make it through to the end, to make it through the tightness crushing his chest.

The first verse, the first verse he could sing. Those words weren’t his.

And the chorus, he could do the chorus.

Fuck.

He breathed and ran straight into the second verse.

He looked before him again, into the darkened studio and saw, not the audience but the dream, the vision, that has haunted him since _that_ day. Proof of his weakness, of a frantic need to escape the aching pain of loss. As he sang he closed his eyes to watch the scene replay against the darkness.

***

_A darkened room awash in pale light delicately outlines two figures, one standing, one laying sprawled upon the floor. Raindrops pound a relentless tattoo against the window. The sprawled body lays lifeless, bathed in the red of rage, the red of life, the red of the blood on the shaking hands of the man standing, looking down._

_He was alive, watching the life bleed out of the man below him._

_The man he’d loved._

_The man who’d left._

_Jiyong looks into the eyes staring up at him, lifeless but still beautiful, terrifying. They look like Seunghyun’s but he knows they aren’t. The body, broken and dying, isn’t real. It isn’t Seunghyun laying there. It’s his heart._

_It would be easier if Seunghyun were dead. Easier if Jiyong had been left behind, instead of abandoned. So he destroys the older man in his visions, trying to ease the pain, ease his rage._

***

Look into my eyes

Let it rain

Let it rain

The deep voice reverberated through the studio, wrenching Jiyong from his vision, tearing him from the dream that destroyed his nights.

He sang.

And sang.

And somewhere within the final chorus, something within him broke. The taught chord constricting his heart snapped. Pulled too tightly, it fractured under its own strain. It unwound, freeing him. His head bowed and his eyes closed, embracing the release.

The music faded and he breathed easily for the first time in a seeming eternity. The lights dim and a genuine smile curves his lips.

The pain that has crushed him since that terrible day ebbs and he knew that he would survive.

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**How to Get Under You**

 

**Nothing in this world**

**Can touch the music that I heard**

**When I woke up this morning**

**It put the Sun into my life**

_It cut my heartbeat with a knife_

_It was like no other morning_

 

**I don't belong to no one**

_But I want to be with you_

**I can't be owned by no one**

_What am I supposed to do_

**I can't see the sense in your leaving**

_All I need is your love to believe in_

_Don't look into the sun_

_It's not for me or anyone_

_To steal the light out of the sky_

_Is it really such a sin_

_'Cause if it is then I'll give in_

_I can't live without your love_

**I don't belong to no one**

**But I want to be with you**

**I can't be owned by no one**

**What am I supposed to do**

 

**I can't see the sense in your leaving**

_All I need is your love to believe in_

_And for you I would do what I can_

_But I can't change the way that I am_

\-- New Order “Dream Attack”

 

* * *

 

 

**Act Like Nothing's Wrong**

[Fall 2007]

 

“You really loved her,” Jiyong said, eyes down.

“Yeah,” Seunghyun admitted grudgingly.

They lay side by side on Seunghyun’s cramped bed, both cocooned in over-sized hoodies, faces half-hidden in voluminous hoods. A split white cord snaked between them, connecting ear buds attached to each boy. TOP’s voice spat lyrics into their ears.

“Do you still?” Jiyong’s voice was quiet, almost too soft to hear.

Seunghyun thought to himself as the song wound to an end.

“Yes?”

“Oh,” Jiyong mumbled.

“Do you ever stop loving someone after they’re gone?” Seunghyun continued. “I mean, the feelings don’t really change do they? They just get buried.”

“Why did she…?” Jiyong struggled to finish the question.

“I didn't love her enough.”

“But you just said-”

“Not the right kind of love,” Seunghyun tried to explain.

“There’s a wrong kind of love?” Jiyong’s face was puzzled. Seunghyun looked away uncomfortably.

“Sorry,” Jiyong said, “we don’t have to talk about it. I didn't mean to pry.”

Seunghyun looked back at him and their eyes locked. Jiyong’s breath caught in his chest, held as time slowed, froze save for GD’s voice coming over the ear buds. Seunghyun’s eyes were so dark. Intense. Searching. Jiyong felt his lips part and his breath rush out.

“Oh my baby,” Seunghyun sang in time to the music as he tipped his head forward slightly, towards Jiyong. Jiyong leaned forward in response, stopping inches away from Seunghyun, their breath in sync.

TOP’s rap started and Seunghyun’s tongue began tracing his bottom lip. Jiyong’s stomach turned over, eyes still locked with Seunghyun’s. He read the question in Seunghyun’s eyes and closed the distance between them.

Jiyong misjudged and their noses collided. Seunghyun shifted and their lips slid along each other to interlock as Taeyang’s voice sang for them. The song played on. For a brief moment there was only the soft wet sounds of lips and tongues. Taeyang’s voice began again.

Seunghyun pulled back to rest his forehead against Jiyong’s. A smile broke across his face and Jiyong’s body rocked with silent giggles. Seunghyun snorted and both boys buried their heads in blankets, overcome in fits of laughter.

“Oh,” Seunghyun shouted into the sheets, “Bang ‘em.” And Jiyong laughed even harder.

 

* * *

 

 

**Koe o Kikasete**

[Late Fall 2009]

 

He flicked the finger away again. He exhaled angrily. “Stop it,” Jiyong hissed at Seunghyun. Behind him, Seunghyun giggled. He glared up over his shoulder. Seunghyun’s face sobered.

The director waved them away and they filed after each other back to their dressing room. The crew began tearing down the MV set as Koe o Kikasete, echoed around them.

He felt that damned finger ruffling through his hair again and he snapped. He spun on his heel and slammed Seunghyun into the wall of the hallway.

“Cut it the fuck OUT!” he shouted in Seunghyun’s face. “You’ve been messing with me all day. STOP IT!”

Seunghyun’s eyes darted quickly side to side, unable to meet Jiyong’s. Jiyong growled and grabbed Seunghyun’s wrist, pulling him into the nearest room. He waved the rest of the members on and slammed the door behind him.

“Ji,” Seunghyun starts. “I’m sorry, I was just -”

Jiyong pushed Seunghyun into the wall of the empty room and kissed him. His hands gripped Seunghyun’s hips hard and he thrust his hips up into the taller man.

He tore his lips off Seunghyun. He pressed his forehead into Seunghyun’s chest.

“Stop fucking with me, hyung,” Jiyong whispered. His heart was racing.

“I was just playing, Ji, your hair looks cute and I just - “

“No, hyung.” Jiyong’s body felt numb, he was really going to do this. He looked up.

Seunghyun’s brow furrowed, confused. Jiyong’s eyes searched his.

“Are you playing, hyung?” Jiyong’s voice was still quiet. “Are you playing with me? Are we a game? Stupid kisses stolen every few months? Is that what we are?” He breaks off, voice broken, unable to continue.

“I don’t know, Ji.” Seunghyun said, understanding. “Are we something? Could we be something?”

Jiyong felt hope surge through him. He tilted his head up and lets his lips part. Seunghyun leaned into him and kissed him slowly, tentatively, the barest brush of lips and breath. He returned the kiss. They broke apart to stare at each other again.

“I want to be something,” Jiyong said. “I want to be something to you.”

Seunghyun hummed a few bars and tucked loose strands of Jiyong’s hair behind his ear. His fingers traced over Jiyong’s ear, the touch sending a of lust and desire and pain through Jiyong’s slender frame.

“Something,” Seunghyun repeated, smiling and wrapping his arms around Jiyong, pulling him close, pulling him tight. He buried his face in Jiyong’s hair and Jiyong was surrounded with Seunghyun. He inhaled. Seunghyun overwhelmed every sense.

“Something,” Seunghyun rumbled.

 

* * *

 

**Interlude**

 

He paced the floor of his tiny room, startling at every random sound in the dorm. Seungri was always the last to bed and his door had snicked closed just moments ago. He kept pacing, stomach threatening to climb up his throat. He was sweating, his mind was racing. It was like this was his first time, yet worse somehow.

Soon, he thought, hoped. Seunghyun had said after everyone went to bed. Maybe, maybe he should lay in bed. Jiyong paced to his nightstand and opened the top drawer. He took out a tube of lube and box of condoms and placed them precisely on the table.

No, too obvious.

He shoved them back into their drawer, closing it firmly.

He opened the drawer. He should open the box of condoms at least, make it less awkward later. He grabbed the box and tore at the packaging. Why were they always so impossible to get into? His fingers couldn’t seem to stop shaking, shredding the box open. He pulled out the ribbon of silvery packets, crumpling cardboard and cellophane and shoving them  into his waste basket.

Maybe -

He started absently pulling the string of condoms apart into individual packets and stacking them in a perfect tower atop his nightstand.

Should I prep myself? Are we going to get that far? Does hyung top? Or maybe he likes bottom?

All Seunghyun had said after kissing him breathless in that store room was, “I’ll come to your room tonight after everyone else is asleep,” in that deep, husky voice of his. The voice that drove him insane. Then he’d used those eyes, the kind that made his knees want to give out.

“Shit,” he mumbled, looking down. One of the packets had ripped in half. It should go into the waste bin. Jiyong scrubbed a hand over his eyes into his hair.

“Get it together,” he berated himself. “What is this, your first time?” He leaned to toss the torn condom.

His door clicked open and closed behind him. Jiyong jumped and turned, torn condom wrapper in his hand. Seunghyun’s eyes glanced at the tower of condoms before turning to meet his, eyebrows raising. Jiyong felt the blood rush up his face to burn his ears. His eyes darted guiltily to the nightstand.

“How many times were you planning on going tonight?” Seunghyun’s lips twitched but his voice was solemn. Jiyong frantically opened his nightstand drawer and swept the incriminating condoms away.

He stood awkwardly, feeling dumb, feeling unsure of what to do with his hands. He’d been with other people before - men, women. He was pretty sure Seunghyun had as well. He knew of at least one other man. Yet, he could not bring himself to look up, to look at the man standing in his room. He twisted at his rings discovering new and deeper levels of embarrassment.

Suddenly Seunghyun was there, warm hands cupping his cheeks, tips of fingers stretched in his hair, wrists tilting his head back gently. Seunghyun’s lips pressed against his and Jiyong’s eyes fluttered closed. He could feel Seunghyun’s chest pressed against his own, rising and falling with rapid breaths.

His arms moved of their own accord to lock around Seunghyun’s slender waist. He pulled Seunghyun in deeper, closer, needing more. He opened his lips slightly, an invitation. Seunghyun took it and Jiyong savored the special taste that was Seunghyun - cool, minty, the vaguest hint of cigarettes. Seunghyun’s tongue was soft, gently sliding against his own, stroking the inside of his mouth rhythmically. He became aware that Seunghyun was humming in time to his thrusting tongue.

Jiyong moved his hands to grip either side of Seunghyun’s hips, gently shifting them until Seunghyun’s legs backed into his bed. Jiyong pushed and Seunghyun fell back, free falling backwards. He smiled naughtily up at Jiyong. Jiyong blushed harder. He turned to flick off the overhead lights, his desklamp bathing everything in a soft yellow glow.

He stood looking at his hyung. He was beautiful, face sharp angles and dark colors. Black hair falling softly over his forehead where it didn’t stick up boyishly. His eyes were dark and heavy lidded, penetrating him, needing him. And his lips, already plump and red from the kissing, still wet from Jiyong’s tongue. His breath was rough and ragged.

His slender frame was drowning in oversized pyjamas, except for the tell-tale bulge straining at loose pants. Jiyong felt his own body responding, mirroring Seunghyun. His blood rushing away from his face, burning under his skin as it throbbed into his cock. He didn’t bother to hide it.

Seunghyun moaned, eyes drinking him in. His voice was raw, deep, guttural. Jiyong stumbled to the bed, crawling up Seunghyun’s body, pressing himself along long torso and hard chest. His legs straddled hips and he spread fingers in silken hair as his lips found mouth. Jiyong resumed their kisses.

Seunghyun’s arms wrapped around him, hands fisting in bunches of shirt at the small of his back. Seunghyun thrust up into him and Jiyong yelped in pain.

“You ok?” Seunghyun pulled back.

“Yeah, ouch,” Jiyong shifted. “No hold on.” Jiyong snaked a hand down to adjust himself. “Sorry, hyung, it was pointing down and you, when you thrust, it was an accident, I’m ok…”

Seunghyun grinned and pulled Jiyong back down for a kiss thrusting upwards again, sliding his cock against Jiyong’s. Jiyong’s breath caught. Seunghyun was hard, painfully so, throbbing against him, between them.

Every rocking thrust sending shocks along the head of his own cock. It was electric. Every press of Seunghyun’s lips sent his blood thundering through his veins. He could feel sweat starting to trail down the small of his back. It was like he’d never been touched before. He needed more.

Seunghyun rolled him onto his back and propped himself up on his arms to look down. His eyes were wide and tinged with fear. Suddenly the enormity of what they were doing sent a sickening thud through Jiyong’s heart. This was the furthest they had ever been together.

“Do you -,” Seunghyun started.

“I’ve -,” Jiong spoke at the same time. Both paused and looked at one another. Jiyong laughed nervously.

“Do you, um,” Seunghyun looked away. “Are you sure you want more?”

Jiyong wrapped his legs around Seunghyun and thrust upwards, cock rubbing deliciously against his hyung’s.

“Hyung if you stop I’ll fucking kill you,” he moaned.

Seunghyun grinned and thrust back, rocking into Jiyong for a few short thrusts before sliding down Jiyong’s body. He tugged up at Jiyong’s loose shirt and placed soft, wet kisses along Jiyong’s hip. Jiyong bit his lip and twisted, exposing his stomach, offering it up. Seunghyun’s hands pulled Jiyong’s shirt up, kissing a trail up stomach and pecs to latch onto nipple. Jiyong strained up, trying to to pull off his shirt and froze.

Seunghyun stopped sucking at his skin and looked up. And started laughing.

“Shut it, hyung,” Jiyong said. Seunghyun laughed harder. Somehow Jiyong’s shirt had become tangled up in his necklace and it was stuck, half on, half off, covering half of Jiyong’s face.

“Fucking help me,” Jiyong’s voice was strained. Seunghyun reached up and untangled the shirt, tugging it completely off Jiyong, along with the necklace.

Jiyong was mortified. Could this be any more unsexy? He was a half second away from burying himself in blankets and never coming out.

“Ji, it’s ok,” Seunghyun said softly. But it was too much. Jiyong wanted this so much and he was screwing it up.

“Ji,” Seunghyun continued. “I can see the wheels spinning in there,” Seunghyun tapped Jiyong’s forehead. Jiyong looked away. Seunghyun sighed and stood on his knees on the bed. He reached for the hem of his shirt and pulled it up to cover his face. His arms flailed, trapped in their sleeves.

“Ahhhahhhh,” he whispered, mock yelling. Jiyong could see him out of the corner of an eye and his lips started to smile. He turned to look at Seunghyun and the laughter died on his lips. There was no undershirt, there was just Seunghyun, tan silky flesh rippling over the barest curves of muscle. His nipples were small and dark. Jiyong rushed forward kissing and licking every inch of flesh he could touch.

Seunghyun tossed the shirt aside and let his head drop back, fingers sliding around Jiyong’s head, reveling in his tongue’s caresses. Jiyong’s head went lower, tongue tracing along ribs, lips kissing down abs. His fingers brushed through the light hairs below his belly button to toy with the drawstrings of his pants.

Seunghyun pulled at his drawstring and pulled his pants down, taking boxers with them. His cock sprang up, bobbing into Jiyong’s face, head wet and glistening. Jiyong fastened his mouth on Seunghyun, sucking to slide head through his lips. His hand reached up to cup balls and shaft. The skin was hot and silken, but the flesh was hard. He flicked at Seunghyun’s head, rubbing at the sensitive underside with his whole tongue. One hand stroked, countering his sucks.

Seunghyun’s fists tightened in Jiyong’s hair pulling him back, pulling him off.

“Too much,” Seunghyun panted, pushing Jiyong back onto his back. He tugged off Jiyong’s pants and slipped out of his own. He leaned to open up Jiyong’s nightstand and pulled out the tube of lube, the tower of condoms collapsed into a pile. He spread Jiyong apart and snapped open the tube, coating his fingers and allowing some to dribble over Jiyong.

Jiyong relaxed and tilted his head back. He felt Seunghyun gently probe against him and he shifted up, exposing himself, opening himself. He felt Seunghyun’s mouth trailing kisses up the underside of his cock as slender fingers circled his opening. Tongue swirled around his head and one finger slipped into him. Jiyong arched up off the bed, thrusting into Seunghyun’s mouth.

Seunghyun pulled back and Jiyong relaxed back against the bed. Slowly Seunghyun’s head began to bob, tongue undulating against the underside of his cock while one finger pumped in and out of him. The finger flexed and swirled slowly spreading him while Seunghyun flicked and toyed with his cock.

A second finger joined the first and Jiyong’s legs began to tremble. The stimulation was overwhelming. His heart was going to beat out of his chest. He was going to cum. He pulled on Seunghyun’s hair and he froze. He opened his eyes to look down. Seunghyun’s dark eyes looked up at him, lips spread around his cock. Ji shook his head and Seunghyun slid his lips off of Jiyong.

A third finger slipped into him, Ji closed his eyes around the pain, waiting for the pleasure to return. Seunghyun moved slowly, free hand reaching to the nightstand. He brought a silvery packet to his teeth, ripping it open. He took the condom and slid it over himself. He slipped his fingers out of Jiyong.

The emptiness left Jiyong aching. He squirmed down on the bed, arching up into Seunghyun. Seunghyun positioned himself over Jiyong and paused. Their eyes locked on each other, they stared into one another as Seunghyun began pushing into Jiyong.

Jiyong cried out, throwing his head back, fingers scrabbling at his hyung’s arms, shoulders, back. Seunghyun’s head dipped into the curve of Jiyong’s neck. Jiyong’s legs wrapped around Seunghyun pulling him deep. Seunghyun began thrusting and Jiyong’s mouth found his. Seunghyun was hard and thick, stretching Jiyong, sending pulses of heat through him. Jiyong’s heart ached as he kissed Seunghyun, lips and teeth and tongue, rough.

Seunghyun’s pace quickened and he reached a hand between them to fasten around Jiyong’s cock. He pumped in time to his thrusts. Jiyong moaned Seunghyun’s name endlessly as Seunghyun’s cock thrust along his prostate again and again. Jiyong’s whole body tensed as he came into Seunghyun’s hand.

Jiyong constricted around Seunghyun’s cock and it was enough. Seunghyun followed Jiyong in orgasm, body convulsing as it rode waves of pleasure. Spent, he collapsed atop the smaller man, resting his head on Jiyong’s shoulder. Jiyong reached his arms around to embrace Seunghyun. Their limbs wrapped in each other, Jiyong could not tell where he started and Seunghyun began. Jiyong looked down at Seunghyun’s face, eyes closed and breath slowly returning to normal. It felt just like his first time.

The first time it’s mattered. He thought as he drifted to sleep.

 

* * *

 

**High High**

[Fall 2010]

 

People crushed around him, dancing, drinking. He tried to focus on the camera. Tried to focus on his lines but all he could see was Jiyong. Fluffy hair was bobbing always just out of the corner of his eye.

He felt the buzz of energy in the room, felt it surge through him. He fed it back to the camera. He smirked and simpered and thought of Jiyong’s fluffy hair, the way it looked drenched in the sweat of lust and plastered to his forehead. He thought of Jiyong’s eyes, his lips, his face when he came. He wanted Jiyong. He wanted this night to go faster.

A woman pressed up against him, rubbing herself along his body and his stomach clenched. His eyes searched frantically for Jiyong in the crowd and saw him...staring at a suited dancer, entranced.

They were something now. But something was still undefined. He watched as Jiyong’s eyes followed the dancer. Watched Jiyong lick his lips. Watched as Jiyong’s eyes fucked the hips swaying to the beat.

Jiyong wanted to be something.

But Jiyong could not be tied down. He’d always known that.

Sometimes knowing Jiyong so well was terrifying. So much of this whole mess was terrifying.

Jiyong looked at him and flushed. He arched a suggestive brow, tilting his head at the dancer. Seunghyun forced his mouth to curve up. He winked. Jiyong’s face broke into a dazzling smile. He craved Jiyong’s smiles.

Somehow they made it through. Somehow the endless night ended and the director seemed pleased. Seunghyun and Jiyong stood shoulder to shoulder outside of the club, cool air chilling overheated flesh, drying the sweat on their faces.

The dancer from earlier walked passed them, one of the throng now leaving the club. Seunghyun watched as the slender man grinned at Jiyong, the invitation obvious. Jiyong looked at him,  eyes bright and eager.  He was bouncing on the balls of his feet, like a child.

“Go,” Seunghyun whispered.

Jiyong licked his lower lip and began to stalk after the dancer.  He gestured at Seunghyun with one hand, an offer to join them.

“I’ll be here when you get back,” Seunghyun reassured, pulling Jiyong back for a quick hug and shaking his head. “Fuck him stupid and come back,” he whispered into Jiyong’s hair.

Jiyong grinned as he slipped by, throwing an arm around the dancer’s shoulder, pulling him down the street. Seunghyun’s stomach clenched as Jiyong leaned to whisper in the dancer’s ear.

So much of this was terrifying, but Seunghyun was good at ignoring fear.

 

* * *

 

**Knockout**

[Fall 2010]

 

He focused on the screen. Black flashed just out of the corner of his eye. He tried to focus on the screen.

“Hyung!” Jiyong shouted. The figure just out of his eyesight kept moving: Seunghyun pelvic thrusting in and out of his peripheral vision. It would be one thing if the thrusts matched the beat pulsing through the studio.

He snapped his head to look at his hyung. “Seunghyun,” he whined, desperately fighting the upward twitch of his lips.

The pelvic thrusts became arrhythmic hip sways punctuated with the occasional lifted foot. Dark eyes met his, sparkling. A heavy eyebrow arched and that voice began to rumble.

“Ppeongigayo ppeogiga…”

Jiyong rubbed the heels of his palms into his eyes. Despite himself, he laughed. Fingers started poking at his shoulders, the backs of his hands, into his hair.

“Aju ppeogigay aju ppeok,” poke “ppeok,” poke “ppeok,” poke “ppeok,” poke, poke, poke. Jiyong flicked his wrist and grabbed Seunghyun’s hand. He looked up into his hyung’s face. He pulled. Seunghyun fell into his lap, nuzzled into his neck, nipped at his ear. Warm breath ruffled his hair.

“You work too hard, Jiyong-ah,” Seunghyun whispered. Jiyong closed his eyes. Seunghyun’s voice always felt so good.

Fingers began to knead into the back of his neck. He hadn’t realized how tense he’d been until Seunghyun began to wring the strain from him.

“The song is good, Ji,” Seunghyun soothed, “more than good.” The fingers moved to his shoulders. “There’s nothing missing.” A chill ran down his bicep as Seunghyun stroked him lightly. “It’s perfect.”

Jiyong turned his lips up to meet Seunghyun’s. Softly, they met his. Slowly they parted and the sweet heady taste that was Seunghyun overwhelmed him. His arms wrapped around slender waist, his hands fisted into oversized hoodie. He arched up, pressing himself into Seunghyun’s solid warmth. His heart ached, warm and full, overflowing.

Love, his brain supplied, and the corners of his eyes stung.

He pressed harder with his lips, tongue pushing up into Seunghyun’s mouth. Seunghyun’s hands moved to cup his face.

Seunghyun was his. He could still hardly believe it. His teeth began to nibble at Seunghyun’s pouty lower lip. His adorable lower lip. The lip that drove him to distraction. Mine, he thought and his fists clenched harder. Breathing was becoming difficult but he kept kissing.

Seunghyun pulled back to touch their foreheads. “It really is ok,” he said.

Jiyong hummed.

“Let’s get out of here for a while,” Seunghyun proposed, “come back to it tomorrow and you’ll agree.”

“I guess,” Jiyong said. He pulled away to stretch.

“Hey!” A genius idea had popped into his head. “Lets go check out that new club!”

“Ooo-kay,” Seunghyun drawled reluctantly.

“Come on,” Jiyong wheedled, “it will be fun. You can show off more of that superb dancing.”

Seunghyun stood, adjusting his clothes. “Ok,” he nodded.

Jiyong stretched again, meeting Seunghyun’s eyes. “Let’s see if we can find a boy, someone tall and skinny,” Jiyong squinted his eyes mischievously, his voice was bright with excitement.

Seunghyun blinked and ducked his head. “Sure, of course,” he said, stretching his mouth into a smile. He grabbed Jiyong and hauled him from his chair. “Whatever you want.”

 

* * *

 

**Baby Good Night**

[December 2010]

 

She tiptoed, trying to see over Seunghyun’s shoulder as he fumbled with the key at the door. “Are you sure you guys are up to hanging out? It is late. You sure you don’t want to just go to bed? Ji and I can share a cab - ” She let her voice trail off. She didn’t want to leave, it had been so long since the three had been together. She missed her boys. But she didn’t want to push.

“Nah, we’re too wound up,” Jiyong said, bouncing from foot to foot. Seunghyun grunted as the key turned.

“Filming all day wasn’t tiring?” She asked as she followed Seunghyun into his empty villa.

Jiyong snorted. “All we did was roll around in bed and lay on couches all day.”

“Ahhh this place is nice, oppa,” Kiko said taking in the space. She sank down onto the floor of what would be Seunghyun’s living room, setting the wine bottles she carried down beside her. Jiyong and Seunghyun sat side by side across from her.

“It will be,” Seunghyun promised, “once I get some furniture in here.”

“Eh,” Jiyong shrugged. “You just signed the papers, you have some time.”

“There’s some blankets in one of the rooms I think. My mom said she was going to leave some since I was staying here tonight.” Seunghyun snagged one of the bottles Jiyong held and started to open their celebratory bottle of red wine, fishing a corkscrew from his back pocket.

“It’s closer to the studio,” Jiyong explained, holding out his glass for Seunghyun.

Seunghyun pulled the cork out of the bottle. He poured for Kiko before turning to Jiyong. He shifted to lean towards Jiyong. With two hands, he slowly poured wine into Jiyong’s cup. The backs of their hands brushed against each other. He looked up through his lashes at Jiyong’s face. Jiyong was staring back at him.

“You guys are fucking!” Kiko’s sharp voice echoed in the empty villa.

Seunghyun’s hands moved back guiltily, setting the bottle down to twist in his lap. He hadn’t meant his touch to linger, he hadn’t meant his eyes to drink in Jiyong’s face so openly. He ducked his head.

Jiyong scrambled mentally for an evasive answer, mouth opening and closing stupidly. He took too long. Kiko’s eyes darted from one to the other and a grin spread slowly across her face. She lowered her wine glass, setting it on bare marble beside her. She tucked her legs underneath her, leaning forward intently to look at the two men sitting before her.

“For how long?” Her voice was light, teasing.

“Um,” Jiyong paused. “Um for a few months, I guess.”

“Yeah, not that long,” Seunghyun said quietly.

“Like as boyfriends?” Kiko asked.

“Something like that,” Jiyong answered.

“Wait but I thought you were fucking that dancer?” She questioned Jiyong, eyes boring into him. Jiyong threw back deep gulps of his own wine, eyes darting frantically. “I saw  you that one night, going off with her.”

“Well,” Seunghyun began, trying to find the words to define something.

“It was just the once,” Jiyong explained.

Kiko looked between them, confused.

“Never the same person twice,” Jiyong continued. “And no kissing. There are rules,” his voice trailed off.

Kiko looked to Seunghyun, surprised and a little outraged.

“Well who wants to fuck the same person forever!” Seunghyun laughed, uncomfortably. Kiko noticed the shift in his eyes, the quirk to his lips. She watched a silent look pass between the two of them before they both looked back to her.

“And sometimes we share!” Jiyong’s eyes were bright, looking at Kiko expectantly.

“Sometimes,” Seunghyun whispered.

 

* * *

 

 

**Interlude II**

They stumbled into the room, laughing, slightly buzzed. They were not drunk; they hadn’t drunk enough wine for that, just enough to warm Kiko’s limbs and set a low fire blazing between her legs. Jiyong pulled her into the bedroom, shirt half unbuttoned and hair askew. He dropped her hand to spin in the large empty room, empty save for a pallette of thick blankets in one corner.

The room was shadowed, illuminated by the lights of the surrounding high rises and filtered through the large floor to ceiling windows along one wall. Urban starlight glistened along the lines of Jiyong’s body as he slowly undid the buttons of his shirt, laughing the whole time. Hands gently landed on her hips from behind and Seunghyun’s lips began to trace the curve of her neck, fingers pulling aside the fabric of her thin shirt.

Seunghyun growled and suddenly Jiyong was in front of her, warm hands cupping her face as his forehead tilted to rest against hers. His breath was warm against her lips, laughter softly echoing in the large room. Seunghyun’s hands trailed up her sides, caressed her neck, stretched forward to cup Jiyong’s face, pulling it forward. Her lips touched Jiyong’s and she froze, startled for a moment, before he began to move against her. He was soft and warm. Seunghyun’s fingers traced Jiyong’s cheeks, traced hers. She opened her mouth and Jiyong was there, tongue wet and warm. He moaned into the kiss, sound loosening her tongue, her echoing moans rumbling in her chest.

Seunghyun’s hands returned to her hips and he pressed himself into her. She felt his cock hardening, pressed against her ass. She relaxed between them and let Seunghyun’s thrusts rock her into Jiyong. The were both hard, painfully so. Seunghyun’s rhythm was perfect, the pressure making it difficult to breathe. Jiyong’s moans sent echoing throbs through her clit. His lips devoured hers. His hands dropped to her hips, slipped under her shirt to trace up her stomach up to the underside of her breasts. She could feel her nipples harden against the fabric of her shirt, now rough against her too sensitive skin.

Jiyong broke off the kiss to trail his lips over her jaw, to her ear, to her neck. Seunghyun’s fingers undid the button of her shorts and they fell, loose, to pool at her ankles. She stepped out of them and kicked them away. Jiyong dropped a hand to slide between her legs, palm rocking against her soft, short hair. The fingers slipped between her lips, tips curving up into her, wetting themselves before sliding up to her clit. They began rubbing in small circles.

Seunghyun kept rocking into her, pressing her into Jiyong’s fingers. She could feel an orgasm coming. She cried out softly on an inhale and Jiyong chuckled. Seunghyun’s pace never varied, the pressure of his cock constant and suddenly she couldn’t breathe. Her head tilted back to rest against Seunghyun’s chest, mouth pressed into the hard curve of his bicep. Arching, she came against Jiyong.  The sensation was too much, her teeth bared and sunk into the skin of Seunghyun’s arm. He groaned, moving a hand up to grip her head, pulling her into him.

Jiyong latched onto her shoulder to lick and suck as her body shook with her orgasm. Her legs gave out and his arms came up to support her. Seunghyun let her go and backed away, pulling at Jiyong’s, guiding them towards the pallet.

Jiyong slowly laid her down. He pulled back to shed his shirt and shuck off his pants. Slowly her breath began to even out, her heart to slow, as Jiyong knelt between her legs, hands soft on her thighs. Then Seunghyun was  there, behind Jiyong, naked, faint fingers of light caressing his slender frame, throwing taut muscles into sharp relief. Jiyong leaned back into him and Seunghyun’s hands ran greedily over Jiyong’s thin frame, up stomach, chest, down to wrap slender fingers around his cock. Jiyong’s head rocked back to fit snugly in the curve of Seunghyun’s neck. He rotated his face up and tilted his mouth to Seunghyun, an invitation.

Seunghyun drank greedily from Jiyong’s lips. Their bodies pressed together and cast in shadow. For a moment Kiko felt an intruder, watching them, extraneous when all that existed in the world was the two, wrapped in one another.

Suddenly Seunghyun broke the kiss, forcefully pushing Jiyong away, down, to her. Pliant Jiyong propped  himself on one hand and dipped his head to kiss at her collar bone. His other hand began to slide up her shirt, pushing it up to tease at her nipples. Her back arched up into his touch but her eyes were fixed on Seunghyun kneeling behind Jiyong, looking down.

For a second she thought he caught her eye but her heart thudded in her chest when she realized it wasn’t her he was watching. It was Jiyong, whose lips were ghosting along her stomach, up to the underside of her breasts. Seunghyun leaned down to trace Jiyong’s spine with his tongue before disappearing from her view. Jiyong took a nipple into his mouth and began to suck, swirling his tongue around it’s hardness, flicking it between his teeth. She arched into his mouth and groaned, hands fisting in his coarse hair.

Her nipple popped out of his lips as he threw his head back.

“Yes,” he hissed. He dropped his head between her breasts to moan his hyung’s name into her skin. Vaguely she could sense Seunghyun behind Jiyong, also on all fours. She closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around Jiyong, writhing as her pleasure began to warm again.

Jiyong was pulled off of her for a moment and Seunghyun’s arms wrapped around him one more time. Slender fingers rolled a condom over Jiyong’s cock before pushing him down once again. His eyes met hers, drowning in shadows. Slowly he lowered his hips. Slowly he entered her. He was slender and long, filling her. Unbidden, her hips rolled up into him. He thrust a few times and her thighs began to shake.

His arms pressed into the blankets on either side of her face, holding him up. His eyes looked down into hers, through her. His lower lip was caught between white teeth. The muscles in his back were tense under her hands. Pleasure coursed through her with his every thrust.

His rhythm broke, stuttered, stopped for a moment and again his head dipped into her. Seunghyun leaned over them both, hands wrapping around Jiyong’s ribs. When Jiyong began to move again it was to Seunghyun’s beat. Seunghyun thrust into Jiyong, pushing him forward. Helpless, Jiyong pressed himself into her.

Kiko turned her head, burying her lips in Jiyong’s frizzy hair. Seunghyun was steady, relentless, she could feel her pleasure building at his pace. A moment before she came Jiyong tensed within her, his own orgasm coming suddenly. And still Seunghyun thrust. Jiyong stayed hard just long enough to push her to another orgasm. Her hands wrapped around Jiyong’s head as he fell into her.

Seunghyun’s hands pulled at Jiyong’s waist, pulling him out of her and deeper onto him. Seunghyun curved along Jiyong’s spine and Jiyong rocked up in to Seunghyun, head cradled on her stomach. She watched, running her hands through Jiyong’s hair, as Seunghyun thrust into him. His eyes were closed, head pressed into Jiyong’s neck.

Their bodies curved into each other, Jiyong fitting tightly within the frame of Seunghyun’s arms. Seunghyun placed endless kisses on Jiyong’s back. His voice, low and raw, chanted Jiyong’s name like a prayer. She could feel the heat of Jiyong’s head, radiating through her. His hands trembled where they gripped her hips. He begged Seunghyun for release. Tears pricked at Kiko’s eyes.

Suddenly Seunghyun quickened his pace and his body tensed. He let out a final breath with Jiyong’s name before collapsing beside her, pulling Jiyong to him.

 

 

 

 

 

* * *

**Obsession**

[December 2010]

 

Jiyong’s  breath caressed her neck, soft and even. He’d passed out quickly. Fingers stretched out to ruffle the frizzy hair tickling her ear. She looked up to meet Seunghyun’s eyes. He was propped up on one arm, lying just behind Jiyong, body curved around the younger man. He looked back at her, eyes sad.

She shifted Jiyong off her and onto the pillow so she could slip off the bed. She wrapped the sheet around her and beckoned him to follow. He pulled his long sleeved shirt over his head and yanked his pants on as before following Kiko into the empty kitchen. She’d retrieved a half-empty bottle of wine and stood at the island, staring into him.

“You didn't follow the rules,” she said flatly.

His eyes shifted away from her and he gave a gentle shrug of his shoulders.

“You made us kiss,” she accused. He continued looking anywhere but her.

She wasn't going to let it go. She waited, staring at him. Finally he broke.

“Ji enjoyed it,” he looked firmly at her. “And so did you,” he accused.

“There are no others for you, are there?” She asked, dreading the answer, knowing the answer.

“No. There is only him.”

“He can’t share?”

Seunghyun grunted. “He’s greedy, but I don’t mind, he doesn’t mind...”

_Lies._

“You’re not cut out for this Seunghyun-ah,” she said, softly. “Your jealousy is going to destroy you. Both of you.”

He looked away again.

“Why?” She asked.

He took the bottle from her, taking a deep drink and licking his lips before answering. “Has Jiyong ever been with just one person?”

“You love him," she said. It wasn't a question.

“I know him.” He paused for another drink.

“He loves you," she made her voice soft, needing him to understand.

“He falls in and out of love at the drop of a hat and fucks anything that arches for him. He can’t be tamed, can’t be held down,” he paused. “Wild and young,” he shook his head, speaking almost to himself.

“Maybe if we’d met 20 years from now he’d be ready to settle down but we didn’t.” He grimaced. “We were kids,” his voice was bitter. “We are kids,” he mumbled into the wine bottle.

Her heart ached, listening to him.

“I think you underestimate him,” she said. “I think you’re selling yourself short.”

Silence stretched between them as Seunghyun finished the bottle.

“Have you ever even asked for more? Have you asked for what you want?

“I’ve known Jiyong a long time. Almost all our lives. I know him.”

He hadn't answered her question. He was trying so hard to convince himself that she could feel tears stinging the corners of her eyes.

“You’re too close, Seunghyun-ah. Maybe you don’t see him as clearly as you think you do.” She knew it was useless but she wanted to try.

He shrugged. “This is the only way.” He turned the empty bottle over and over his hands. When he spoke again it was half to himself. “There’s a song on the new album. I can’t stop listening to it.”

He stood, swaying slightly, and squared his shoulders.

 

> “If only I could hold you once
> 
> I wish you were my lover for just a moment
> 
> I love her so much my greed keeps  growing
> 
> I want you for myself
> 
> You by yourself
> 
> Don’t run
> 
> Don’t escape
> 
> It’s my obsession….
> 
> Don’t look away,"

He paused, savoring the words. "He's greedy and selfish. He’s wild, free. But that's ok. Because I love him.  Because he loves me, needs me. And that is enough. "

She waited for him to finish.

“I know him. I won’t ask for what he can’t give. Maybe this way I can last longer than the others. I am what he wants, and maybe this way I can hold out until I'm all he wants.”

Hubris, she thought, heart breaking.

 

 

* * *

 

 

**Stupid Liar**

[February 2011]

 

His eyes felt rimmed with fire. He blinked. How long had he been staring at the screen?

Too long.

He stretched, muscles in his back spasming.

How long had he been in this chair?

“Too long,” he groaned under his breath. He reached for his coffee, taking a sip and pulling a face. It was cold.

“Gross,” he said as he chunked the cup into the trash.

He should go home. He needed to go home. He reached for his phone to reread the text he’d read hours ago.

At yours, going to bed. S2 SH

Things were good again. Who knew for how long this time. He’d lost track of the fights that erupted from nothing and spiraled into nowhere, the silences that stretched for days without reason, the barbs and stings that left him lost, angry, and confused. Together was starting to hurt as much as apart.

“Too much,” he said to himself. He really should go home.

As he closed the door to his studio he heard a whistle. He looked up to see the new bassist, the one with the beautiful lips. He didn’t need to go home just yet.

***

He really shouldn’t have had that third drink. Or the fourth. Definitely not the fifth. He stumbled against the door, fingers opening the door by habit. The door beeped and he fell into his foyer. He kicked off his shoes. Seunghyun’s jacket hung on the wall. He fell against it to inhale the scent that clung to the soft leather.

“No fights tonight, please,” he begged as tension rolled in his stomach. “Be happy, Seunghyun,” he whispered. He pushed himself off the wall and stumbled through the living room.

“Shit,” he yelped when his toe smashed into a chair. “Fucking. Mies. Vander. Rohe. Chair,” he cursed as he punched the chair. “Damnit, hyung,” he growled, irrationally angry.

He made it down the hallway to his room, to stand over his bed where Seunghyun lay sleeping. His face was soft, the early morning light caressing the tilt of his cheekbones. He looked boyish, innocent. Jiyong’s anger evaporated. His heart ached.

Jiyong unfastened the buttons of his jeans and he grunted in surprise. He looked down at his fly. The bassist had forgotten to zip him up. Jiyong shrugged it off, that mouth had been delicious. Down to his briefs, he fell into bed.

Seunghyun grunted and opened an eye.

“You’re home,” Seunghyun’s voice was low and raw, pulling at Jiyong. His stomach clenched in anticipation, in fear, but Seunghyun didn’t grimace, didn’t sigh, just wrapped arms around him and pulled him close.

“At the studio again?” Seunghyun asked.

Jiyong grunted affirmation, internally begging Seunghyun to go back to sleep, to not wake up, to sleep and have peace.

“Which song?”

Jiyong waited to reply. Slowly, Seunghyun’s breath evened out, his face went slack. Jiyong curled himself into his hyung, marveling a little at how his heart stilled. No matter how hard they fought, Seunghyun always felt like home. He brought a finger up to gently trace the golden light falling on Seunghyun’s cheek.

“Stupid Liar,” he answered.

He let sleep start to loosen his limbs. “Be happy, Seunghyun,” he prayed with his fading thoughts.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Act Like Nothing's Wrong, the boys are listening to the Always EP, starting from that song. Their conversation follows the rest of the album playing out.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've never wanted to bash two peoples heads together sooooo much.

**How to Love You**

 

Sometimes when this place gets kind of empty

Sound of their breath fades with the light

I think about the loveless fascination

Under the Milky Way tonight...

 

...Wish I knew what you were looking for

Might have known what you would find

 

And it's something quite peculiar

Something shimmering and white

Leads you here despite your destination

Under the Milky Way tonight

 

 - “Under the Milkyway Tonight”

The Church

 

 

 

However far away

I will always love you

However long I stay

I will always love you

Whatever words I say

I will always love you

 

-”Lovesong”

The Cure 

 

* * *

 

 

**Who You**

[November 2013]

 

Seunghyun poured another glass and gulped it down. He hit play on the video again and watched. Jiyong danced and bounced in a glass box, a shining golden jewel, glittering and beautiful. He paused the video. The words froze across his screen, simple in black and white.

>  “I miss you
> 
> and I need you,
> 
> But I hate you”

Tears poured, unchecked, down his cheeks. He poured another glass of wine.

His phone sat right next to the laptop. He could pick it up. He could call. He could hear Jiyong’s voice on the other end. He could tell Jiyong - he could tell him - that there was no one else. He could tell him that he still loved him. He could tell Jiyong that he wanted to be back together. He wanted to make it work.

He remembered their last fight.

He threw the phone against the marble fireplace, watched it shatter into a million pieces, fracturing his heart.

No.

He would not force Jiyong to change. Better Jiyong hate him. Better Jiyong move on.

Better.

He played the video again.

Just a few more times tonight, he promised himself.

He’d been getting better. It had been getting easier. This was just a minor setback. He poured another glass. He would watch the video a few more times and then put it away, lock it away and let the pain fade. And when he saw Jiyong again, he’d make a stupid joke and force a smile and everything would be swept away. So just for tonight he’d drink alone and cry over his broken phone. Life wasn’t so bad now, without Jiyong.

***

The club was almost overwhelming, pulsing, pushing, pulling. Jiyong stared at his phone, tapping it. Around him laughter and cheers celebrated his newest release. He smiled and simpered and stared at his phone.

This video had been different. No big production just simple him, surrounded by the things that mattered. Intimate, just Kwon Jiyong on display, just his heart on display. It was a message. He knew Seunghyun had seen it. He stayed up to watch all YG releases. He was faithful like that, Jiyong thought, almost bitterly.

He poked at his phone, poked at the embers of hope dying in his heart.

I hate you

Because I need you.

He pleaded at his phone. But it lay still on the table. He began tossing back drinks and his phone lay silent, unmoving, uncaring, dark.

This was Seunghyun's response, then.

He stood and slipped the phone into his pocket and went into the crowd. The beat filled his heart full enough to cover the empty hollow of an unringing phone.

Better this way, he told himself, swaying against a warm body. He looked down and Kiko smiled up at him. Her slender arms snaked around his neck. He buried his head in her and didn’t think about his silent phone. He didn't need Seunghyun.

 

 

* * *

 

**In the Studio**

He rolled over and ran a hand over his face, eyes blinking in the darkness. Who the hell is calling right now? What time is it? His hand dropped to cover his mouth, stifling a yawn. His eyes turned to look at the clock on his nightstand.

2:39

He rolled over and reached for his phone, picking it up to look at the name flashed across the screen.  His stomach clenched and his heart gave a heavy thud.

No, no. I don’t want to talk to you. Go away. Why are you calling? No. Midnight calls were no longer allowed between them, not allowed to break the fragile whatever they were now. His thumb swiped across the screen and his traitorous hand brought the phone to his ear. He didn’t speak.

“Hyung,” the voice was quiet.

“What do you want, Ji?” Seunghyun kept his voice flat, containing his anger to the confines of his own mind.

“I need you.”

His breath caught in his throat. His mind began spinning.

“Not like that,” Jiyong’s voice turned sharp, “not anymore.”

“Ji,” Seunghyun croaked.

“I can’t write, hyung.”

“What the hell are you talking about? You’ve been writing.”

“I can’t write. I sit here and nothing is happening.” He paused, then continued.  “I need you.” Desperation layered Jiyong’s voice.

Yang’s voice rose above the tumult in Seunghyun’s mind. “Today, around 4AM, when I left the office, GD was working hard writing songs.”

“Damn it, Kwon Jiyong, you don’t need me to hold your hand, just write. You wrote your solo album just fine without me.”

“This isn’t the same. Nothing’s the same,” Jiyong paused again and Seunghyun let the silence stretch.

“This isn’t about you and me, hyung. This is about the group. This is about Big Bang,” Jiyong pleaded gently.

Seunghyun’s anger abated a fraction, allowing him to breathe as he shut his eyes tight. The group.

"Don't worry. I’ve been over you for a while, hyung.” Jiyong’s voice was small.

A fist tightened around Seunghyun’s heart and he curled himself in around it.

“Goodnight, Ji.” Seunghyun hung up and threw the phone across the room. He'd have to buy another one, again.

Half an hour later a worn out Jiyong answered the sharp knock at the door of the studio he’d holed up in.

“Here!” Seunghyun shoved a bag of greasy hamburgers into his chest as he pushed through the half-open door. Jiyong gaped at him, mouth open, eyes wide with shock. Seunghyun shrugged at him, half in anger.

“We have to eat and live too.” He said as he sunk down onto the couch, pulling a pen and notepad from his back pocket.

 

* * *

 

**Work in Progress**

They sat side by side on the small black couch in the small studio. They’d been sitting side by side for some time now, he realized. Their thighs were pressed together and suddenly the warmth from Jiyong’s smaller frame began to burn.

He remembered a time when the merest touch from Jiyong was electric, a need that raged through him demanding more. If he closed his eyes he knew he would feel a glimmer of that old spark. He sat forward, pulling away a bit.

“This part here, it should be Daesung,” he said, gesturing with the hand holding his notebook of lyrics.

“You think?” Jiyong asked, running his fingers over his rings and twisting one. He looked up at Seunghyun, right into his eyes.

Seunghyun felt a squeeze in his heart. An old feeling, familiar, and one he’d thought long dead. Angry, he rose to pace the room.

“Yeah,” he replied, “and I’ll layer my rap right on top of that.”

He looked at the third man in the room “Play it back, Teddy-hyung.”

Teddy turned to the control board and started pushing buttons. Seunghyun nodded in time to the beat that echoed through the room. The music swelled and the session singer’s voice began to resonate around them. He waited four beats, nodding in time and began.

 

> “I see you look at him
> 
> Stars shining in your eyes
> 
> Don’t look at me
> 
> I see you look at him
> 
> I see you smiling
> 
> Just keep smiling”

As he rapped he rocked from foot to foot, shifting his weight and shaking his head. He could feel Jiyong’s eyes on him, burning his skin and flipping his stomach, twisting his damned heart. As he rapped he looked anywhere but at Jiyong.

 

> "Around me the world is spinning
> 
> And there are no more days
> 
> Only endless night
> 
> Darkness keeps spinning
> 
> And my only light
> 
> Is the stars from your smile
> 
> So keep on smiling
> 
> Don’t look at my broken heart"

The music kept going but Seunghyun stopped, looking over at his hyung. Their producer was nodding his head. “Yeah, Seunghyun, I think it will work. Dae’s strong voice will balance yours out nicely," Teddy said.

“Yeah,” Jiyong agreed. He glanced at Seunghyun who was still standing.

Seunghyun hazarded a glance back. There was a glint in Jiyong’s eye. He darted his eyes away again, remembering how well Jiyong read him.

“Did you come up with that just now?” Jiyong asked.

There was an undercurrent to the words, an undercurrent Seunghyun felt and refused to acknowledge.

“Do you want to lay down a track now?” Teddy asked, also ignoring the tension. “Do you have the time?”

“No,” Seunghyun answered almost too sharply. “Get someone to do it, I have another schedule,” He added, trying to soften his tone. He tore the lyric page he’d been rapping from and handed it to Teddy. “For the session singer,” he said. He leaned down to pick up his suit coat.

“Ya, I’ll come with you.” Jiyong says, standing and stretching.

Seunghyun gave the barest of nods before striding out of the room.

“Photo shoot?” Jiyong asked when they get to the elevator.

Seunghyun grunted.

“Yeah, me too,” Jiyong added companiably as he shrugged into his jacket. They stepped onto the elevator and two hands reached for the button panel.

“Sorry,” Seunghyun mumbled, pulling his hand back and shoving it into his pocket, attempting to ignore the burning sting from where Jiyong’s finger grazed the back of his hand.

Jiyong shrugged.

The silence between them stretched as the car glided down. Seunghyun felt tension coiling in his stomach and fought the urge to squirm against the discomfort twisting between his shoulders. Jiyong’s phone rang as they arrived at the ground floor. Swiping his fingers along his phone, Jiyong put it to his ear as he walked out of the elevator car.

“Hey sweetie,” Jiyong’s voice was light and happy. “Where you at?”

The doors closed behind him, leaving Seunghyun alone in the car. He closed his eyes and tried to steady his racing heart with ragged breaths as he rode back up. Working together had been a bad idea.

 

* * *

 

 

**Stay with Me**

Rain fell against the window, throwing dancing shadows over their limbs, twisted and entwined. Fingers ruffled through his hair. Drowsily Jiyong licked his lips, contemplated opening an eye.

“Soft,” she whispered.

He groaned gently.

“I’m glad you haven’t done anything to it for a while,” she said.

“Hmmmmmm.”

“Your hair. It was starting to get pretty nasty.”

He scrunched his face in response. They lay in silence for a while, listening to the  rain. Her hands stroked lightly over his face, tracing his eyelashes. Up through his hair again. Down his back.

“I love you, you know,” she said. His stomach clenched. Her hands stopped.

“You don’t have to say it back,” she continued. “I didn’t say it to hear it.

Guilt. Familiar, ignored, guilt coiled around his heart.

“I know you love me Jiyong-ah,” her voice was always so soft. “Where were you just now? In our love-making?”

His eyes snapped open and he pulled back to look at her. “What do you mean? I was here with you. _In_ you.”

She shook her head and brought both hands up to press against his chest. “You were with me,” one hand curled to ghost fingers over his heart. “But you,” her eyes, dark and large, looked up at him. “You were far away.”

He pulled away from her, away from her touch. “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

“That’s ok, I do.”

“What are you saying?” He demanded.

“I’m saying you love me, but it isn’t enough. It isn’t the right kind of love.” His heart clenched at the last phrase.

“Don’t -” he begged. “Please.”

“I deserve better,” she continued. “I deserve a complete love, and you can’t give me that.”

He could feel the anger coming. Anger to hide the guilt, the shame. Anger at his failure despite all his effort. Anger at the finality in her voice.

“So what?” His voice was hard.

“So this is it, love.”

He fell back, stunned, staring at her but not seeing.

“You should probably go.” She sat, covering herself with the sheet.

“Please,” he whispered.

“I’ve already called my girl. The rumors will break tomorrow. It’s done.”

“You planned this?! Then what was this?” He gestured sharply at the bed, at himself.

“Goodbye,” she replied.

He pushed himself off the bed in disgust, pulling on his pants and grabbing for his shirt. “Fuck you, Kiko.” For a moment anger flashed in her eyes, but only for a moment.

“He’ll take you back, Ji, if you go to him.” She paused then continued, speaking to his turned back, “I know, you know, that you only look at me so you don’t look at him.”

He kicked open her door and fled, refusing to look at her. He yanked his shirt on, fleeing her, fleeing her words.

He made it to the elevator and shoved his hands in his pockets. Music. Music was always his escape. He unravelled his headphones as he paced the small elevator car. He shoved the buds into his ears, pushing play blindly as he stumbled out of the car.

His own voice came over the headphones and he laughed bitterly at his reflection in the glass doors of the lobby. His words, written for his best friend; his words that he’d desperately tried to convince himself were about the woman upstairs; his words that tore at his heart. Words that had nothing to do with her and everything to do with  him.

No matter how he tried it seemed all his lyrics were about _him_. After that day in the studio, however, Jiyong was starting to suspect all his lyrics were about Jiyong.

Unbidden, his feet began to run.

 

* * *

 

**Baby Goodnight, Again**

The knock came at his door a second time. Confused, Seunghyun finished tying his robe and activated the door viewscreen. His stomach flipped. Jiyong was standing there - washed out and fuzzy on the screen, small and shivering on his stoop. He exhaled and pressed his head against the wall.

“Seunghyun-hyung,” the nasal, familiar voice shook as it echoed through the dark room and Seunghyun’s breath shook with it. “Choi Seunghyun, please,” Jiyong spoke in just over a whisper, more to himself than anything else. “Please.”

Seunghyun’s fingers fluttered over the screen and rested on the touch pad. Heart aching, he pressed the button and his front door beeped. There was a loud click and then he was standing in the doorway. Seunghyun stared, unblinking, at his small frame heedlessly dripping water onto the marble floor. This was so far passed the silent rules they lived by he could do nothing but stand dumbly, in shock.

Jiyong removed his sunglasses, eyes red-rimmed and raw.

“Seunghyun-” he started in a small voice. “She- I had to-”

Seunghyun closed the distance between them to tug off the drenched jacket slicked to Jiyong’s shoulders. He hooked it on the stand by the door and shrugged out of his robe, wrapping it around the smaller man. Jiyong closed his eyes as Seunghyun tied the robe closed. Tears ran quietly down his cheeks and silent sobs contorted his body.

“Shhhh,” Seunghyun whispered, running his hands up and down Jiyong’s arms in an attempt to soothe as he pulled him into the living room.

He sat Jiyong down on the couch he’d just vacated. The shell-shocked man slumped in on himself and fell over, curling into a ball. He took a lap blanket and tucked it around Jiyong.

“Don’t want to say goodbye

Don’t want to say goodbye”

He froze, heart thudding in his ears as his eyes darted to the television. His own blond head stared back at him, eyes smoldering, betraying him. Late night music videos… that’s what he’d been watching when the knock came. A dozen memories flashed through his mind in quick succession, of this room, of the man laying in front of him, of love, and laughter, and of pain. He reached frantically for the remote.

“Damn reruns,” he forced out from around the emotion trying to strangle his voice.

“No,” slender fingers reached out to graze his wrist.”No, leave it. I always liked you with blonde hair.

His heart swallowed his voice so he grunted and nodded. He pulled a second blanket over the Jiyong’s shivering frame, tears still coursing down his face.

“That damned snake,” Jiyong said, laughing through his tears. Seunghyun refused to look at the screen, memories of that snake slithering through his mind and sending a shudder down his spine. Slowly he started to walk down the hall towards his bedroom.

“Thank you, hyung,” he heard echo softly down the hallway as he closed his door.

The sounds of Baby Good Night had long since faded, but the words haunted him. The memory of the night they filmed it haunted him. As he tossed in his bed he remembered a conversation with Kiko. Guilt and shame curled in his chest as he replayed his stupidity in his mind. The night seemed endless.

***

The next morning he walked, bleary eyed and heart sore, into his living room to find neatly folded blankets placed precisely in the center of his couch. He squashed the disappointment swirling in his chest as he made his way into the kitchen to get his phone.

A text flashed across the screen as he thumbed it on.

“I’m sorry. Thank you -J”

He flipped through the headlines on his phone as he absently drank from the glass of his favorite juice that had been sitting by his phone.

“International Model M rumored to have broken up with Idol star boyfriend,” he read.

He stood to refill his drink and refused to let himself feel.

 

 

* * *

 

**Doom Dada**

Jiyong held his breath while Seunghyun strutted across his screen, his solo stage, his solo song pulsing through the tinny laptop speakers, filling Jiyong’s room. He had to review the performance, their last concert in Seoul. He had to give the final okay before submitting it to CEO Yang for DVD production. He could lie to himself and say that was why he was replaying this for the fifth time. Jiyong’s eyes darted away from the screen so he could breathe.

Self-deception hadn’t been working out so well lately.

He rested his head on his desk, Seunghyun’s performance looping itself on his monitor. He closed his eyes and surrendered to the voice - the voice that had seduced him, the voice that entranced and haunted him.

He allowed his body to respond like it always did. The danger of it was a knife edge, fueling his lust. He was walking that edge, terrified and craving the high. He shouldn’t have gone to Seunghyun that night. He shouldn’t have stood there, shivering and wet and cold, dripping in Seunghyun’s living room. He shouldn’t have but it had been the only place he could go.

His heart knew home, despite his head.

He took himself in his hand, his blood pulsing in time to Seunghyun’s third verse.

This was possibly the stupidest thing he’d ever done.

That night at Seunghyun’s had been too much already. The fragile truce between the two of them was fraying; the truce that allowed him to breath when Seunghyun was in the same room.

Years, an album, a girlfriend, nothing, it seemed, could purge Seunghyun from him - Kiko was right. So he gave up, gave in. He looked at the screen, eyes lost in the lines of blue clinging tightly to Seunghyun’s hips, thighs, the white gloves on his hands, the dark eyes.

He closed his eyes and let the memories wash over him, memories of nights with the two of them. Memories of them on the prowl, dressed in clothes too tight, spinning in minds too drunk. Memories of picking up someone, girl, boy, didn’t matter. Memories of picking up something beautiful, a toy for their pleasure.

His hand quickened along his flesh as he remembered Seunghyun. He’d always been so passionate, bordering on vicious, those nights. He remembered how Seunghyun would take him, fingers bruising, pace obliterating. The sight of Jiyong with someone else had always driven Seunghyun insane with lust and Jiyong had reveled in it.

His climax was quick and hard. Breathless, he closed his laptop, cutting off the video.

“Fuck,” he cursed himself. He threw himself on his bed, curled around his too-many pillows and fought against the feelings already surfacing. But it was no use. Helpless he let his mind flow down well-worn paths. He started at the beginning, he always started at the beginning. Following the path of their lives together, trying to figure it out, find the thread. Old arguments replayed, old hurts and angers. His mind looped itself endlessly without purpose.

Seunghyun had always enticed him, the layers of darkness and light shrouding him were a constant pull. Jiyong had reveled in their depths, in peeling them back, in seeing the Seunghyun no one else knew and yet he ended as he always did. Lost.

He’d not been enough, in the end.

 

* * *

 

 

**You and me against the world**

Seunghyun looked at the text he’d memorized days ago.

> “He never once cheated on me -Kiko”

He closed his eyes. His fingers shook.

He started a new message.

>  “J - I’m hanging at the hotel again tonight wanna come have a drink?”

***

“You’re such a fucking coward, Seunghyun,” Jiyong’s voice was high and thin, echoing in large hotel room. “You and me against the world. Do you remember that? Do you fucking remember?”

“Yes,” he replied quietly. It was their old pattern: he withdraws, and Jiyong, as if baited, attacks, spurred by Seunghyun shutting down.

“So, chicken-shit, what happened?” Pushing, Jiyong always had to push, always had to escalate. Seunghyun’s mind spun, tonight was supposed to have just been drinks and light conversation, just like the last few times, and yet here they were.

It was time for honesty. “I did get scared,” Seunghyun confessed. “But not of them.” He looked straight into Jiyong’s eyes. “Of you.”

Jiyong snorted, incredulous.

“Of us,” Seunghyun continued. “I wasn’t sure we were going to make it anymore. We were, are, shifting, drifting, changing. We want different things, Ji. Wanted different things. Maybe we always wanted different things.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Jiyong’s face was confused, angry.

“You, Ji. How have you been living these last two years? You’re wild, out of control. And you can’t blame us. It was starting before that and you know it. So I let you go. Because I don’t want that kind of life. Drinking, partying, empty friends, random hookups - rules or no rules. I’m done. I’m settled. This is it for me.”

“I could have stopped -” Jiyong protested, taken aback.

“I didn’t want to ask that of you. I want you to live the life you want. But I couldn't watch you anymore, with them. I couldn’t share anymore.” He paused and stared sadly into Jiyong’s eyes. His whisper tore everything apart, “I never could share you.”

Emotions swept through Jiyong in quick succession, shock and confusion, guilt and remorse. His past fractured and shifted in the eternity of a moment as every second between him and Seunghyun transformed within his mind. Agony at what he’d done turned to shame. Pain twisted, sharp in Jiyong’s gut. He pushed it aside, embracing the rage that settled in it’s place, rage at what had been done to him, what Seunghyun had kept from him, and all the resulting agonies Jiyong had inflicted on the man he’d loved.

“Mother fucker,” Jiyong’s rage consumed him. “So you took that choice away from me. Damn you, Seunghyun. Don’t give me your shit. Don’t try to pretty this up. You’re not some altruistic saint. Call it what it was. Your pathetic need to be in control,” Jiyong’s words were coming out too fast, tripping over themselves in a rush to get out.

“You always have to be in control. Calling the shots. You always have to be on TOP,” he finished, letting the line sink in.

This was how it always was between them. No fight ever existed alone, in a vacuum. Instead, each was a continuation of their last. It was all one big, never ending-fight spiraling around itself, spiraling but never touching what really mattered. It paused for days, weeks, maybe even months, and now years, but it was always there. It always returned. Even now when they weren’t even together.

But no longer.

Seunghyun made a choice.

“Not anymore,” he said.

Jiyong blinked. “What?”

“You want to be on TOP so bad? Go for it,” Seunghyun knew he was goading.

“You can’t be serious,” Jiyong said.

Seunghyun unbuttoned the top button of his pants. “Only one way to find out.”

“Fuck you!” Jiyong yells, panic starting in his chest.

“Chicken-shit,” Seunghyun relished throwing that back at him.

Jiyong closed the distance between them, grabbing the back of Seunghyun’s head forcefully.

“Fuck you,” he repeated, and he pulled Seunghyun down to him and crashed their lips together.

 

* * *

 

**With you I ride or die**

Anger surged through him and he let it rage. He could feel it heating his skin, tensing his shoulders, curling his fingers into Seunghyun’s shirt so hard they hurt. His teeth wanted to bite, to bruise, to tear and he let them, assaulting Seunghyun’s lips. How dare he. How dare he do this to us.

He bit on Seunghyun’s lower lip. The fucking lower lip he sticks out when he’s pouting. Asshole.

He bit down and he sucked Seunghyun’s lower lip into his mouth. He could taste blood.

“Fuck you,” he mouthed against raw lips. His fists clenched even tighter, balling themselves tight. He pushed hard against Seunghyun’s chest - ripping lips from his mouth. He looked up into Seunghyun’s eyes. They bored into him. His hyung’s cheeks were flushed, lips raw and bleeding, shirt disheveled and starting to tear.

“Is that all you’ve got?” Seunghyun challenged. Jiyong roared and pushed at Seunghyun again. He lurched forward, heart thudding in panic, to fall against Seunghyun’s chest. Seunghyun’s fingers clutched at his shirt. Suddenly he was on his back, Seunghyun straddling him, hands pinning his arms down to the bed on either side of his head. Seunghyun arched his back and rolled his hips downwards. Jiyong’s cock was hard aching where it strained against his pants.

Seunghyun placed himself perfectly so that Jiyong’s cock slid between the round cheeks of Seunghyun’s ass. Jiyong pushed against Seunghyun’s hands. They didn’t move. Seunghyun tilted his head back and continued rocking, eyes half closed, still in control. Jiyong felt powerless, helpless, small.

“No,” he shouted, bucking up with his hips. Seunghyun startled and Jiyong used his momentum to flip them. He was on top, pinning his hyung.

Seunghyun’s eyes flashed but Jiyong disregarded them. He leaned down and took Seunghyun’s lips again. He was gentler, if only just, pressing just hard enough to bruise. His tongue invaded Seunghyun’s mouth, fucking into it mercilessly. Seunghyun whimpered. His breath was labored, coming out hard through his nose. Jiyong disregarded that too, grinding himself down onto Seunghyun, crashing their cocks together. It hurt. He ground harder.

Finally he broke the kiss. He looked down. Seunghyun’s perfectly gelled hair was crushed, tattered, spread messily over his forehead and the pillow. His eyes were black, cheeks stained red, matching the hint of blood staining his lips. He was sucking in air, chest expanding and collapsing with each gulp.

Jiyong tightened his grip on Seunghyun’s wrists. He smiled, noticing the flush of red ringing each wrist. Red from straining against his grip.

He ducked his head and bit down on Seunghyun’s collar, sucking silken flesh into his mouth. Seunghyun moaned and arched up into him. Jiyong smiled and began to drag his tongue along Seunghyun.

“Jiyong-ah,” Seunghyun moaned and for a second his heart caught. Growling, he brought Seunghyun’s hands together over his head, gripping both tightly in his left hand. He pulled and with his right tore Seunghyun’s shirt open, exposing his chest.

He paused, staring.

He looked at Seunghyun’s face. A different kind of blush flushed his cheeks and his eyes shifted away.

“It’s for the movie,” he said, voice low and raw.

Jiyong lowered his head to suck Seunghyun’s skin, attacking with lips and teeth. Red blossomed as he trailed his way over Seunghyun’s body. His tongue snaked out to slide down perfectly sculpted pecs. His eyes fluttered shut and the taste of Seunghyun, the savor of his skin consumed him, assaulted his memories, tore them from behind their perfectly constructed walls. The shape was different, but the taste, the smell, the voice wrought with desire were all Seunghyun. Familiar.

His lips moved to a nipple, pressing against it almost gently. His lips remembered their texture. He latched on greedily, remembering - remembering -

He flicked with his tongue and Seunghyun arched into him, sighing. Not a memory. He moved to the other nipple, licking, sucking, nipping. Seunghyun whined. Jiyong opened his eyes. His hyung’s head was thrown back, half hidden in the pillows. His eyes were closed, lips moving around nonsense sounds. Seunghyun’s eyes snapped open to meet his.

Jiyong shuddered, looking into Seunghyun’s eyes, dark, wide and impossibly open. His heart ached; the anger in him snapped. One of Seunghyun’s hands slipped from his grasp. Jiyong tensed but Seunghyun didn’t flip them. Fingers stroked gently at the fringe of his hair falling in his face. His heart twisted and his throat tightened.

“I love you Jiyong-ah,” Seunghyun said, and Jiyong’s eyes stung. He dropped his head onto Seunghyun’s stomach, hot tears falling over chiseled muscle.

“I never wanted to hurt you, Seunghyun,” Jiyong’s voice was tight, not quite a sob.

Seunghyun’s fingers carded through his hair, slowly, stroking at his scalp.

“Why did you let me hurt you?”

“I should have told you, how it tore me up, seeing you with them,” Seunghyun said. “I should have told you,” he repeated.

The tears coursed out of him.

“I was wrong, forgive me,” Seunghyun half chanted.

Despite himself Jiyong smiled.  

Fingers trailed down his face to his chin. Jiyong lifted his eyes and Seunghyun stared into him. “I’m sorry,” Seunghyun said. Jiyong waited, for a reason, for an excuse. He realized he didn’t need one.

Fingers pulled and he moved forward. Lips ghosted over his eyes, breath too hot on his tear-streaked cheeks. Seunghyun paused, holding himself over Jiyong’s lips, waiting.

Jiyong cupped Seunghyun’s cheek, pulling them together. He softened his lips, pressing them into Seunghyun.

Seunghyun’s legs came up to wrap around his waist. Jiyong moaned and rocked into him. He broke off the kiss to press his face into Seunghyun’s neck, losing himself in the sensations, like fire, coursing through him.

“Seunghyun,” he whispered.

“In the suitcase,” Seunghyun said.

Jiyong pushed himself up, going to the suitcase on the desk and flipping it open. He pushed his hand into the smallest pocket and pulled out a small tube. He grabbed his wallet from his back pocket and took out a silver packet before putting the wallet atop Seunghyun’s suitcase.

He turned back to the bed. Seunghyun was pulling off the torn shirt. He watched as Seunghyun unbuttoned his pants and stripped them off then laid back, head propped against the pillows.  His hands were pressed tight against his stomach. He just stared at Jiyong, perfectly toned body tense on the bed.

Self conscious, Jiyong took off his shirt, slipped off his pants and stepped towards the bed. He froze. Slowly Seunghyun shifted so his legs spread. Jiyong placed a knee on the bed and in an infinite moment their past flashed before him. Seunghyun, in his bed, in his arms, but never before like this.

“Come, Jiyong,” Seunghyun said, and Jiyong moved, to the bed, to him, onto him. He covered Seunghyun with his body, tongue licking at his mouth. His hands. His hands slid through hair, along neck, over arms to lock for a brief moment with long, slender fingers.

Seunghyun’s legs spread a little further and he lay between them, cock pulsing against Seunghyun’s. He remembered the feel of Seunghyun’s cock pressed against his own.  Seunghyun’s thigh came up and his cock slipped down to tease at Seunghyun’s entrance. Jiyong caught Seunghyun’s eye and his hyung nodded.

Jiyong knelt and pulled back to open the tube, slicking his fingers. he dropped his hand between Seunghyun’s legs and slowly began to trace the tight ring of muscle.

***

Panic rose in his chest. Almost terror. He couldn’t breathe around it. He couldn’t breathe. He wanted to stop. He needed to stop. He placed his hands on Jiyong’s chest, poised to shove, to run. But he didn’t.

Jiyong paused and pulled back. “Hyung?”

His eyes were large and dark, fragile. Seunghyun breathed. It was all he could do. He dragged the fear clawing at his insides down, shoving it away. His eyes focused on Jiyong. Only Jiyong. Beautiful eyes, red from tears, shadowed with lust, darkened lashes fluttering against golden skin flushed with pink. A smile curved his lips and he dropped his hands, letting go, surrendering.

Jiyong pushed in and he cried out, body writhing to pull away. Jiyong’s hand started to pull back and Seunghyun grabbed his arm. He shook his head.

It hurt. It hurt. He was being torn apart. He gritted his teeth, closed his eyes, and rolled his hips down.

“Please,” he whispered. Jiyong began to move again. The panic threatened to surge. He gritted his teeth harder. “Please.”

Jiyong kept moving, slowly. His finger was slick and the pain began to subside. Slowly his body relaxed. He reached a hand down to his cock, wilted from the pain. He began to stroke it back to life. with his other hand he grasped Jiyong. Jiyong was hard, precum leaking onto his fingers. He stroked them both in time to the rhythm set by Jiyong’s fingers.

A second finger brushed over his entrance and he tensed. His eyes again found Jiyong’s, and he focused on them as the second finger pushed in. He whimpered but Jiyong waited. Eventually the pain subsided. He moved, pushing down onto Jiyong’s fingers. He rocked his hips and Jiyong pushed and pulled inside him.

Jiyong was inside him.

He groaned and reached again for their cocks. He was hard. He began to moan and Jiyong increased the pace, pulling him apart, spreading him open.

His body began to shake, aching, needing more.

“More,” he panted and there was a third finger. He groaned and writhed. Jiyong felt amazing. He let go of himself to grab the condom. He tore it open and slid it over Jiyong.

Jiyong shifted to lay between his legs. He was empty for a moment and then Jiyong was there, pushing into him. He cried out and wrapped his legs around slender hips, tilting himself up into Jiyong, opening himself further.

Jiyong’s back arched away from him and Seunghyun grabbed onto his shoulders. Jiyong began to thrust, sliding almost all the way out before pushing back in. It was tantalizing, intoxicating, maddening.

Unbidden, Seunghyun’s hand returned to his own cock. He stroked himself and moaned Jiyong’s name.

“I love you,” he said, and Jiyong moved faster. “love you, love you, love you,” he chanted.

Jiyong’s hips began to snap rapidly, pounding into him, overwhelming him. The world narrowed to the feel of Jiyong filling him. Suddenly his vision went white. He couldn’t see, he couldn’t breathe. Existence exploded and collapsed upon itself. Jiyong groaned his name and he could feel Jiyong inside him, cock pulsing its climax. He blinked and saw Jiyong’s face as he came, his name spilling from his lips.

As Jiyong rode out his orgasm Seunghyun pulled him down, into his chest, into his arms. Eventually Jiyong’s breathing evened out.

“I love you, too,” Jiyong said, “you big idiot.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, that was a Haru Haru reference. I'm not sorry.


	4. Chapter 4

**Epilogue**

 “I’ve missed you,” Seunghyun’s voice is soft, just above a whisper. His fingers trace up and down Jiyong’s bare arms. They lay pressed against each other, bodies entwined amidst a tangle of sheets.

“I’ve missed you,” Jiyong echos. He curls into Seunghyun, the remembered warmth of his hyung’s body warming his heart. “I missed you so fucking much. I thought I would die without you. Sometimes,” he breaks off. He considers if he wants to finish the thought. Seunghyun’s arm wraps around him, pulling him tight. “I wished you’d die,” Jiyong continues. “Just - just go away. I thought maybe it would be easier if you were - dead - instead of having to see you everywhere.”

Jiyong waits, sure his confession will shatter what is growing between them. Seunghyun’s arm pulls Jiyong in tighter. “You were everywhere,” Seunghyun says, eyes glazed in reminiscence. “Your music, your face, your voice. I thought my heart was being ripped from me everywhere I went. Is there anything you don’t endorse?”

Jiyong snorts. He looks up at his hyung. “You’re not mad?”

Seunghyun looks into Jiyong’s eyes. “No.”

He looks up to the ceiling, fingers still stroking along Jiyong’s skin. “It hurt so much. I remember how much it hurt. You do what you have to to get through.”

“I survived it, though,” Jiyong says. “Eventually it got easier. I learned to live without you.”

“Yeah,” Seunghyun agrees, “me too. There was a time I thought I would die without you. Then I didn’t have you and I didn’t die.”

“I could live without you.”

“So could I.”

“But I don’t think I’d be as happy, without you,” Jiyong says. Seunghyun closes eyes and it’s hard to breath around his heart.

“I miss you,” Jiyong says as he buries his head into Seunghyun’s chest, inhaling the smell of Seunghyun, savoring the feel of his skin.

Seunghyun’s lips brush the top of his head. “I miss you.”

"We were so stupid Hyung"

"We were."

You more than me though."

Seunghyun glares.

“You never asked, hyung,” Jiyong chides softly. “You never ask. You always just decided on your own. Without me. I never got a choice.”

Seunghyun rolls Jiyong onto his back and lays on top of him, pressing his forehead into the curve of Jiyong’s neck. He breathes in the familiar scents. For the first time there is something new between them. Honesty. They are stripped, more bare than their nakedness. For the first time he has the courage to speak the truth.

“Will you be with me? No one else, just me? Not because you need me, or because you can’t live without me but just because you want me? Can you choose me until the end?” Seunghyun asks, core trembling as adrenaline courses through him.

Jiyong pulls Seunghyun’s head up gently to meet his eyes.

“You, only you, until the end,” he says softly. Jiyong tilts his head up to touch his lips to Seunghyun’s. “Only you,” he repeats.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And they did it, finally. Finally they are honest with each other. *glares*
> 
> For the curious, nothing here was written consecutively. The first section was In the Studio, the last Who You. Both in Chapter 3. Yeah.... that makes sense....


End file.
